Everywhere I seem to be, I am only passing through.

"So I'll sit perfectly still
And I'll listen for a tune
While my mind is on the moon."

Let's be really honest for a moment and admit this:  I am the queen of denial.  I can't admit to myself that in two days, I am leaving Geneva.  Maybe not forever, but for the foreseeable future.  And while this semester has had its trials and tribulations, I am not ready to leave.

So my head is convincing me I have all the time in the world.  Of course, this causes logistical issues (such as packing...I haven't started yet).  But mostly it's just really hard to wrap my head around as I walk through Geneva.  I've been trying to force myself to understand that tomorrow... tomorrow?  It's a day of lasts.

Last walks to the bus stop, looking at the snow on the Jura
Last train rides
Last cafe au lait and pan au chocolat for breakfast
Last time flashing my badge to get past UN security
Last time studying in such an important place
Last views of the lake and the jet d'eau
Last time jay walking with the rest of the Genevoise
Last time getting lunch from Migros
Last dinner with my host family
Last night in my room with the Justin Bieber posters

I feel like I'm someone who understands and accepts change.  I move on when things get boring.  I'm a committment-phobe in many aspects of my life.  And yet, I'm not ready for this to end.  I'm not ready to go back to life in the states.  In the states, life is complicated.  Life is complicated by my history, by my future.  Life is complicated by obligations, by expectations.  This semester has been so removed from that; it has been freeing.  There will be no more weekend trips to the Alps.  There will be no more train rides to sort out my thoughts as the landscape beats by.  There will be no more of that.  It will be an intermission in my relationship with Switzerland.  And I'm not feeling very ready for that intermission.

I know Croatia will be great fun, and I'm looking forward to that.  I am also looking forward to seeing my family and friends back in the states.  But does it have to be so soon?

I just want time to stand still for once in my life.  I want to stop moving so fast.  I want to break this cycle of leaving people who are important to me because my transient lifestyle necessitates it.  But this isn't possible.  The best I can do is try to keep sprinting along in time to catch every moment as it comes, because I'm sure as hell not going to miss anything because I'm looking over my shoulder.

Genève, tu vas me manquer.