One of the things about me that I've always taken as a given is being able to figure out what I'm feeling by writing. I can be a ball of confused emotions, but the minute I put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) my hands take control. My hands know me. They know my thoughts, my deepest secrets. They know the things that my heart has hidden away from my brain. They're intuitive, they're smart, and they're articulate. Sometimes I sit down to write simply to understand myself better. It's how I understand. I let my mind go blank and let my hands fly. And when I look down, I read what I've just written, and I understand. It all makes sense when it's on the paper. It's all true, and it's all there. And just like that, I've unlocked my own secrets.
Here's the problem. My hands don't even know what to write today. I've sat down and let my fingers move over the keyboard, but every time I read what they have said, it's pointless. It's wishy washy. It's confused. It's inarticulate. How am I supposed to know how I feel today without my trusty hands to guide me?
The last few days have been hard. In the time we've spent in Croatia, I've become quite a bit closer to the people in my program, and now we're leaving. I had to say goodbye to a good friend this morning, and the knowledge that I may never see him again was really rough. I think that the more I have to say goodbye, the worse I get at it. I have such a bad habit of getting close to people right before I have to say goodbye and it makes life so difficult. I'm struggling to say goodbye to the people, to the places, and to the adventure.
This semester has really changed the way I view the world. I think I've really matured in the way I view myself, in the way I view others, and in the way I view the interactions of the world. It's hard to explain. I'm happy with these changes for sure, but I didn't think this would happen. As someone who was fairly well traveled before this semester, I thought that I would just take everything in stride. But there were difficulties. There were pretty low points, but there were incredibly high points. The wonderful thing about these peaks and dips is that I'll forget the sting of defeat but remember the lessons, and I'll always remember the joy of the better moments. It's great how the mind works that way.
I'm not sure this post is really meaning anything beyond the cliched prattle of a college student who thinks she has the world all figured out. I don't have the world figured out. I know that. But I think I accept this more so now than I did before.
And here we are at the end. Tomorrow I transfer to Zagreb, and the next morning I will be flying home to the states. I get a little panicky flutter in my chest every time I think about this. I'm not ready to leave. I'm afraid that the transition will be hard and I will feel like a failure. I'm worried that I'll feel misunderstood. I'm worried that life at home will feel boring. I'm worried that I'll feel trapped. This is the post-worry, as compared to the pre-worry that plagued me before I departed for this trip. So much has changed.
But I'm also ready to go home. It's time. I've been here for 3 and a half months. I've barely spoken to those who mean the most to me as a result of the time difference and sketchy internet connections. I've missed my pets. I've missed my family. I've missed my friends. I've missed my food. I'm ready to feel like I know exactly what's going on in my daily life. I'm ready to return to my routine. I'm ready to take control again. I'm ready to go back to PLU. It all seems like a totally different lifetime. I'm trying to visualize stepping off the airplane in Phoenix, and I just can't. But I know that as surreal as it seems, it will happen. And I can't stop time. The best I can do is deal with the changes as they come.
So here it is. The end. I don't know how many times I have to say that before it seems real. I can't convey the spread of my emotions right now...the depth of my sadness at the conclusion of this adventure, the height of my anxiety about reintegration, the gravity of my excitement to see loved ones. It's enough. Enough for now.
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| The curiosity is endless. The world awaits yet. |
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